little sad today...

but NOT because of the new floors. :) more to come on that. i have lots of pictures to post, but stuff is still everywhere, so that will be later. :) i'm sad because i think its over. i have been weaning grayson for a couple weeks now, dr's orders, trying to get him on neocate only and off of breast milk, as they think it may be contributing to his issues. i have fought them on it since october and i finally decided that we need to do it. i was going to wean when he was one anyway, and thats only 5 or 6 weeks away (holy cow). but i had to start a little early, and i never imagined it would be so hard. any breastfeeding mom knows what a strong bond that creates...i didn't get to do this with aislyn..she was in the NICU and extended stay nursery for a week after birth and would NOT latch on to me because they had to bottle feed her right away. so i pumped for six months so that she had breast milk, and i was even sad to stop doing that for her, but six months of that was all i could take. and my milk started running out too. but its just different when they latch and they look at you and they fall asleep on you and you just kinda bond. and the weird thing is, i had been excited to wean because of my diet restrictions. no wheat, no milk, no soy, no nuts, very few eggs, very few tomatoey items, no citrus. its been a bland year to say the least, but as much as i complain about it, i really didn't mind it at all. it was for my kid you know? any mom would agree. i found ways to still eat ALL the time. just healthier! that can't be bad! this last week, grayson has been on formula 3 times a day, and on me in the morning when he wakes up. kenny goes and gets him from his room and brings him to me and we sit in my bed and snuggle and he nurses and then inevitably falls asleep for another half hour until aislyn wakes up and yells for daddy through the monitor next to the bed. this morning, i sluggishly went and made a bottle, just sad, feeling numb. i took him and offered it to him, and he arched his back and cried. so i offered it again, and he gave up and took it. i was sad. he was almost finished when he insisted that i switch him to the other arm for the last couple ounces of the bottle. he didn't go to sleep. we didn't snuggle. he was wide awake, ready to start his day. (he then, fell asleep on me an hour later because of his lack of early morning nap, which was ok :)). so, all that to say, i think its over. i think we're done. my baby is growing up. i think i'm dietarily free to eat what i want. but i don't want to yet. the hormones are getting the best of me. i mean, i had to do this sometime. and it gives me so much more freedom. but there was something about being a "cow" that i liked. i mean, it was free nutrition for him! unfortunately neocate isn't the cheapest thing in the world. but thanks be to God for blessing us through our friends and strangers this week with new floors and leftover cash for the formula made of gold. you will never know what a blessing and what perfect timing this has been. i think this post was alot of ramble, not sure if i even finished a thought. but i wanted to document how i'm feeling today. its a weird weird day. there is milk in the fridge, and i have been craving it so, and even though i'm technically free to drink it, i just don't want to. is that so weird? i am so weird right now. i'll feel differently tomorrow, maybe even tonight.