THUMP thump. THUMP thump...

went our new baby's heartbeat this week. :)


we found out, MUCH to our surprise, that i am pregnant almost four weeks ago. i thought i had begun my cycle (way too much info but this is where i document things i want to remember:)), but three days later, when things were just a little too weird, i took a test on a whim when we got home from church. i was immediately devastated, knowing that there were already complications and that has never boded well for us in the past. our first miscarriage seemed to be a replica of this pregnancy. (yet our second seemed like a perfect pregnancy). i knew something was wrong. i called right away to get on progesterone, started it an hour later (i got people ;)) and started the roller coaster of emotional HCG level checks. our first number was 30. SUPER duper low. last time i bought a new robe as my "miscarriage gift" to myself to make me more "comfortable". i was already thinking, what can i buy this time... two days later, they had gone up to 68. good, not great. two days after that we were at 195. ok, now we're getting somewhere. we waited five days and they shot up to 3020. way more than doubling every other day which is what they are supposed to do. i was thrilled and started to relax about it all. that lasted a week and then satan took over. he filled my head with awful thoughts and convinced me that everything was wrong, that there would be no heartbeat. i could not distinguish this awful feeling from that of the enemy, or from that of God just preparing me for His plan. because i know that sometimes His plan is just that.. it's pregnancy loss, it's infant death, it's all of these things that we see as bad, but He is using them for His glory- to Him they are not bad things at all. i know that. so i prepared myself for the very worst, and if you asked my mom, i talked very pessimistically for about a week. ok, actually you could ask anyone who knew our secret and they would tell you the same thing.

finally, the day for the ultrasound came. our dr's office has this handy little roll around ultrasound machine, which is FABULOUS for moms who have had miscarriages and are jaded each time they go to the doctor. at your first appt, she does a quick ultrasound just to find a heartbeat and put you at ease. i walked in there just bracing myself for a large man to punch me in the stomach as hard as he could. i know i looked so downtrodden, my doctor even said that actually. the ultrasound began, she was silent for thirty seconds, no expression on her face. then without looking up, she said "everything looks great". i said "WHAT? you're kidding right? there's a baby in there? with a heartbeat? and it's not in my tube? or there isn't one in each of my tubes (which is one of the scenarios i played out in my head)." "no, look for yourself." she was right. a tiny little baby shaped blob with a heartbeat was visible on the screen. i really really could not believe it.

i know that God is teaching me to trust Him, but i also know that trusting Him means being at peace with His will for my life, whether we get to meet this baby or not. we are not out of the woods. i am just shy of 8 weeks, a month away from my second trimester still. anything can happen. but what we will do, is find joy in Him and nothing else. and if we meet this little one (who kenny predicts is a boy), awesome. if God decides to take him/her home before that time comes, then that has to be ok too. i'm done with the "everything will be fine" theology, meaning don't worry, everything will go your way, just have faith. i'm onto the "everything will be according to God's will, and i will rest in the fact that He knows best." that's my attempt anyway. i need accountability for sure.

so for now, we are expecting, due in april (right around tax day) and very excited at the prospect of a new little grebe, who kenny would like to name ritter. really?

thanks for your prayers. we covet them.